i wish anti depressants had worked out because i'm kind of sick of coming up with lists of reasons why i shouldn't
leave
these reasons are becoming less and less convincing every time

i don't even fucking know what my deal is i keep thinking if i just
i don't know if i just didn't feel so fucking alone??? but i do and i AM

i had a dream last night and i was trying to talk to my mom but she wasn't saying anything in response she just kept staring at me in this weird vacant way and i was getting more and more upset and i was screaming at her begging her to say something
and then i was like fuck she CAN'T say anything she's DEAD and i woke up so fucking shaken up i just felt like vomiting i hate sleeping i hate these dreams i wish they would stop i don't want to sleep anymore
it's like
i know my mom is dead this is a fact that has been there for five years now but there's like a difference between the feeling of knowing she's dead and the feeling of knowing she's gone. it just hits me so fucking hard sometimes that there will never be another opportunity for me to speak to her again because she is gone forever she is not coming back and i miss her so much i really really really miss her

i feel sick i don't want to be here right now i don't want to be here ever